How Psychology and the Bible Agree on Dealing With Unsafe People
Written by: Matthew Sabatine
Image credits belong to: StockSnap | Pixabay
I have participated in weekly Christian counseling sessions during the past several months. It has been an eye-opening experience with someone who I highly trust. Our last session addressed several points that really stuck out to me. The following four points are traceable to Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Safe People [1]:
Unsafe people will avoid issues that need to be addressed with other offended or offending parties.
Unsafe people rely on flattery that skirts an issue.
Unsafe people rely on condemnation instead of forgiveness.
Unsafe people refuse to treat others with equality, and instead employ a parent/child dynamic.
This represents some things I have witnessed repeatedly throughout the years:
A refusal to face an issue can be rooted in the fear of how others will react or not react at all. Flattery can be the mechanism used to keep us entrenched in that fear of consequences, and to keep the offended/offending parties entrenched in the lie that what they are doing is fine or good. Condemnation is the punishing tool used by a manipulator to control his/her underlings or serfs. Avoidance and fear of confrontation helps the manipulator to retain control. The manipulator retains that parent role while the other unsafe people retain the child role.
For some bizarre reasons that are still unbeknownst to me, I used to think that Christianity behooves me to avoid confrontation and to use flattery as a tool for putting out fires. But now I am sure that flattery only ensnares those who are naive. I used to think that Christianity’s definition of forgiveness meant that I should not walk away from other people’s continued and unrepentant abuse. Wise people notice the insincere flattery. They are not impressed by the fake words and ill-conceived ideas. In fact, a wise person would feel compelled to correct or rebuke my excessive and misguided flattery that only enables the manipulators in charge.
I see two extremes here:
1) belief in a forgiveness that allows abusers to continue their abuse.
2) Condemnation that makes someone else feel inferior, worthless, embarrassed, and unable to reclaim credibility.
I believe there must be a middle road. I believe God’s equilibrium exists there. Condemnation begets an inner critic that hinders you from accomplishing anything noteworthy and productive in God’s name. Ill-conceived forgiveness that allows for unrepentant abuse will also debilitate you and your productive abilities, because it keeps you ensnared in fear. Healthy Godly forgiveness simply enables you to drop your resentment and vengeance towards someone else so that you can move on. It does not allow someone else’s abuse to continue, because it is unwise to keep yourself in the company of mockers and wicked people (Psalm 1:1-2).
Christianity is like a Psychotherapy
This is intended to be hyperbolic: Christianity can operate like psychotherapy. Your Bible can be used like a mental health manual. The Church can be like a mental health hospital, even though its appearance is very different from other institutions and its treatment options tackle mental health from a different angle.
There is a book titled Psychology and Christianity: Five Views [2]. The hyperlinked article has inspired me with this view. In my view, psychology becomes compatible with Christianity when we do not allow strict reductionism and positivism to overtake us in our approach. Psychology becomes compatible with Christianity when we “expand upon the meaning of the imago Dei in humankind and see science as it really operates as theory laden, cultural, and human” (Mark Cosgrove, 2011).
As the Church's primary goal has always been about Jesus Christ as the salvation from sin, the Church's other primary concern/goal has always been about how to properly manage your thoughts. It's amazing to me that, in some indirect ways, the Church has always been unwittingly concerned with mental health. While reading psychology alongside the Bible and Christian literature, I see many correspondences between spiritual, mental, and emotional health, even though our modern minds will not recognize it as such because the Church uses a different language to discuss the topic.
I am now finally realizing this after reading psychology books for many years and after reading my Bible for maybe the third or fourth time in my life.
Even though psychology has a reputation of being atheistic or anti-religious, many of its aims are found to be compatible with the Church's foundational aims.
Just a few examples:
Psychology says to resist the negative thought that "it is impossible for me to succeed" while God says, "All things are possible" (Luke 18:27).
Psychology says to resist the negative thought that "Nobody loves me" while God says, "I love you" (John 3:16 & Romans 5:8)
Psychology says to resist the negative thought that "I cannot forgive myself" while God says, "I forgive you" (1 John 1:9 & Romans 8:1).
Psychology says to resist the negative thought that catastrophe will consume you and your needs will go unmet. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says that God will bless you abundantly.
Psychology recommends that we not overwork ourselves. Psychology says to resist the thought that “I am too tired to go on.” Matthew 11:28-30 says that God, with His gentleness and humility, will give us rest when we are weary and burdened.
Psychology says to resist the thought that “I am not smart enough” while James 1:5 says that God generously gives wisdom to all who ask.
Psychology tells us that loneliness is unhealthy and should be managed, monitored, and mitigated. God’s promise to never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) helps to manage, monitor, and mitigate that loneliness. Isaiah 40:31 says that we will find renewed strength when we hope in the Lord.
The following bulleted list from Mental Health America includes goals that I think Christianity also pursues. Reading enough Scripture would help to affirm these compatibilities that are hard to ignore [3]:
“Feel stronger in the face of challenges”
“Change behaviors that hold you back”
“Look at ways of thinking that affect how you feel”
“Heal pains from the past”
“Build relationship skills”
“Figure out your goals”
“Strengthen your self-confidence”
“Cope with symptoms”
“Handle strong emotions like fear, grief or anger”
“Enhance your problem-solving skills”
My final thought is this: both the Bible and psychology aim to have us strategically organize our thoughts, clarify our feelings, and ameliorate our behaviors.
The Bible commands us to:
1) Consult with God who leads our steps.
2) Captivate every thought to make it obedient to Christ
3) Think on what is true, honorable, praiseworthy, right, pure, wholesome, lovely, admirable, reputable, excellent, and brings peace (Philippians 4:7-9).
General Disclaimer: All sources are hyperlinked in this article. The author has made their best attempt to accurately interpret the sources used and preserve the source-author’s original argument while avoiding plagiarism. Should you discover any errors to that end, please email thecommoncaveat@gmail.com and we will review your request.
All information in this article is intended for educational/entertainment purposes only. This information should not be used as medical/therapeutic advice. Please seek a doctor/therapist for health advice.
[1] Pneuma (neurofeedbackville.com)
[2] Psychology and Christianity: Five Views. - Christian Scholar’s Review (christianscholars.com)